Sad News

Well you may have noticed that I haven't done much posting lately, there is in fact a reason behind this. Sadly baby number 2 didn't make it.

Its been a long few weeks of hope, fear and the unknown, I will explain what has happened.

On week 10 I started to have some bleeding, nothing major and it was agreed between myself and my midwife that it was probably just breakthrough bleeding. But after 5 days I was still bleeding, and I just didn't feel 'right'.

We were booked in for a scan and on week 11 we saw the pictures of a baby sac but with no baby inside, it was explained to us that we had suffered what is known medically as a Blighted Ovum. Basically I was at an 11 week gestation but the baby sac had stopped growing at 5 weeks due to having no baby. From what we can understand, there was either never no baby or there was but it was reabsorbed into the body for whatever reason. It can then take up to 7 weeks for the body to realise.

So for 11 weeks my body and brain has felt 'pregnant' and although it was, it has been doing it without a baby.

However on the week after the horrible news I had to have various blood tests. We were given hope for one night when we were told the hCG (human chorionic gonadotrophin) levels were at the right level for 11 weeks and that could mean a viable pregnancy - maybe a hidden twin?

But after another test it was confirmed that my levels had dropped and that a miscarriage was now imminent. Sadly over the last week I have been going through a miscarriage, but it may not be over yet.

I have yet to wait and see how this goes, I may still need a trip to hospital if everything doesn't 'clear', but I am hoping to get through this at home as I have found it easier to cope with. Only the next few days will determine what will happen here.

So how do I feel? Well the first few days I blamed myself, maybe if I had done certain things, or things another way it would be different. Then I felt sadness that I still felt pregnant but didn't have a baby (or I may have had one but will never know). I am tired physically and emotionally and really just don't know what to do with myself. Last week I was sick of being poked, prodded and injected (as I am also Rhesus Negative so needed extra jabs) but I have been strong and continued as normal, however sometimes I don't know if that was the best thing to do.

At the moment I'm not sleeping too well and I am really confused by it all, even now I still feel pregnant, it will be a while before I will fully understand and deal with it all.

For now though things continue as always, we have tried to be as normal as possible for Bethany's sake as she needs it. We told her that the baby turned into a fairy and flew away, she was quite sad but took it well and hasn't mentioned it since.

Taking each day as it comes and despite this happening I believe everything happens for a reason, and whatever reason it was for this we will emerge the other side stronger than ever before.