Right now Bethany is approaching the age of 5 faster than ever, I have the feeling of being dragged along behind a wild horse with no way of stopping it!
One thing I am not is an obsessive mother, often I encourage Bethany to play by herself, she needs to learn how to do this, developing imagination, as imagination is the best and most amazing tool in the world. Clinging to mammy isn't going to teach her that. Sometimes I prefer to be alone in my thoughts and not have her babbling on in the background, and I make it clear I would like her to be quiet, Bethany knows that mammy has 'shhhhh' and 'getting on my nerves' in her vocabulary.
I cant stand her 'faffing' around. Taking ages to get dressed. The length of time it takes to eat a meal. The fact that despite asking 3 times not to do something it still gets done. That bloody awful high pitched screaming that comes after a moment of drama that really wasn't that bad. The sometimes selfish acts that happen. The fact pen ends up on the dog and just this morning on the curtain. It's all those things that can drive me insane!
Yet of course she is my baby, I absolutely adore the air she breaths, she makes me smile a million times a day and as with all parents I could never (and can't bare to) imagine the world without her. She is of stunning character and I am very very proud.
Lately Bethany has been spending more time at home, taking time out of Kindy, and that's fine. It's been a welcome and much needed time and we have had so much fun together. We are soul mates, we are connected in ways only a mother and daughter can be, even more so now that we are in New Zealand without our family. Yet despite our amazing bond I am freaking out about her growing up, and the fact I will have to let her go, yet at the same time I can quite easily wish for that to happen sooner than later, hopefully if you are a parent you will know what I mean!
We have done some school visits over the last week. First off was Pinehaven School which is just around the corner from where we live. It has around 200 children. We met the headmaster who laid back in his chair, belly sticking out, and with his hands behind his head told wonderful stories of what life for Bethany would be like at his school. He was quite open about the fact the school needs some renovations, they are not the most well funded school and that teaching is at a more hands on level than one learned through technology. His words were 'the teaching here is that good it wouldn't matter if it was taught in a shed'.
Next was Silverstream School. We were greeted by a huge Plasma TV on the wall welcoming us in all it's flashy goodness. A busy reception area bustled with people and children. We were kept waiting for 15 minutes past our appointment by the headmistress. Finally the smart lady welcomed us and took us to her office where what seemed like a little test was done on Bethany. Many questions asked and notes made, finishing with a 'yes, I think she could be ready for school'. Well that's good to know, so glad she formed that opinion as we really have no choice!
Don't get me wrong the school was lovely, it was clean, tidy and large. Housing around 600 children you could tell the difference from the other school immediately. Sadly though you could also tell that it didn't seem to have any personality, the headmistress struggled to remember things I asked her, and there was a distinct need to push the fact they have lots of money (it was mentioned many times).
Back in the car I asked Bethany which school she preferred. She knows that 99% of her Kindy friends will be going to Silverstream School (including her best friend) and yet she still answered that she had chosen Pinehaven. Her answer? 'Because it's kind'.
Every parent in the world believes that what they are doing is the right thing. We are also raising Bethany though to make her own decisions too. We have many days where if Bethany wont get ready when she has been asked we just simply wont go out. If Bethany doesn't eat her tea, then that's fine too, she will just have to be hungry. It may sound harsh to some but honestly has always been the best policy in our house and it should always be followed by the consequences - no matter which way they go.
For a 4 year old Bethany is pretty clued up. She knows where her food comes from and knows what meat she is eating and what animal it has come from. She knows that animals die to feed humans.
She knows that relationships don't always have to be just a mammy and daddy. Whilst playing with her barbie dolls one day she turned and said to me 'I can't get them married as I don't have a boy doll'. A lengthy and very interesting conversation took place, and grabbing the OK magazine, Bethany saw some gorgeous photos of Ellen DeGeneres and Portia de Rossi's amazing wedding. She now knows that its not just mammys and daddys!
We have also explained to her that daddy has a gun and what it's for. The last few weeks have been fuelled with 'bang bang' remarks by Bethany whilst pointing her finger. Seems the boys at Kindy play a lot of shooting games and although she didn't know what for, she thought she would copy. She now understands what guns can be used for and why.
I feel like I have been riding this amazing emotional roller coaster since arriving in NZ. Suddenly I became the teacher in Bethany's life, the only person to guide her in life. Being without my parents has taken its toll on me, and I worried it would rub off on Bethany, but alas we are fine, she is one tough cookie.
In fact more than fine, Bethany is developing well. Lately her favourite thing to do is to draw people. Anyone she can think of she will draw and she loves it. She is writing really well too and is more than ready to hit school running, however that wont happen till Next February! Here is some of her lovely work:
I think people need to not only be more honest with others but with themselves too. Being a parent is amazing, we all do what we feel is right and we all want our children to be happy. We have happy children, content little souls that have the rest of their lives to grow and will do so from how we teach them.
Yet just sometimes it isn't all smiles and happiness, sometimes it can help your child and yourself to be open and honest for once. In the long run your child will grow to be like you, they will become how you have taught them, they watch us every single day, always watching, always learning. But learning does have to be about the real world, we are now past the days when as a child we could walk alone through the forest for hours, sadly we are in the days when despite your best intentions sometimes it's too hard to live in fairy tale land.
I say all this in hope that I will adjust to letting my baby go. I tell myself all these things time and time again in the hope that I can be strong, in the hope that one day Bethany will look back and say 'thank you' for being such a wonderful parent.
The horse is going to get faster, I am soon going to just have to make that decision to let go of the reigns, but that doesn't mean I can't watch and guide her from afar.
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