As I stood there over her bed I could see her chest rising and her eyes flickering with dreams of what could be. Every night since she was born I spent it by her bed, watching, kissing, touching her little hands. Five years had passed, a lifetime to such a little being, a being who lived in the moment, a being who relied on only you, a being who knew nothing for the world, yet here I was sending her into it.
As I stood facing the bathroom mirror I removed my 'war paint' from the day and I looked at my sorrowful face, a sad face, a tired face, with tear streaks making clear pathways. I knew that tomorrow I would have to have a happy face, a joyful face, a positive face...an inspiring face.
Many times I woke that night, dreams of my baby girl running into the distance never to be seen again, dreams of my baby girl being just that; a baby, and handing her over to a stranger wrapped in her favourite blanket. Or the worst, the dream where her bedroom is empty and the window open.
Morning came early for me, I sat and watched the shadows of the palm tree dance against our window blind, listening to the sound of the Cicada growing with every new sparkling sun ray. At that moment I hopped out of bed and went straight to the same mirror that had given me difficult faces the night before, a smile flickered onto my face as my baby girl welcomed me - that would have to do.
The day before it happened was a long one. I spent it in the garden doing the only thing that could bring me to peace - planting and caring for new seedlings. The day was a long one as every time I looked at the clock I knew tomorrow would come. I did not spent her last day together, and I could not, she spent it with Daddy, as I didn't want it to feel like her last day.
Not only was this a venture for my baby girl but of me too. It has been a long time since I stepped into the real world as myself and on my own two feet. Various chapters of life come and go now like the clouds in the sky, I used to be a young free girl who would laugh at those with 'responsibility' promising that would never be me, yet here I was now teetering on the edge of a brand new chapter, it scarily hangs on a single branch over a cliff edge.
So here we were, Monday morning came and tension was high. Daddy was home too to watch the first step into the world alone. We checked and re-checked our list and off we went...
Bethany's first day at school went well, she interacted, she made new friends and no tears were shed. Well none from Bethany anyway. I sadly could not contain myself and it was best just to write Monday off and start Tuesday afresh. Yet of course my newly painted face that morning didn't last long either, that horrible dull ache was back as I walked away from the classroom.
In the supermarket I bumped into friends who understood yet laughed at the silly things I would do now I was on my own. Arriving at the supermarket I had already gone to Bethany's side of the car to let her out when I realised where she was.
So it seems this is going to be harder for me than Bethany. I have no doubt she will fit in fine and be very happy, we are so very proud of the way she has grown. We are so very proud of the way she moved across the world and started a new life with us so contently. We are so proud that she is our little girl, proud of our little school girl.Be free Bethany, be all you can be and never look back.
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